


our one night that made a thousand futures

by deadpoetspages



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Best Friends, Boys In Love, Erotic Poetry, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, High School, Homophobia, Inspired by Poetry, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, Love Poems, M/M, Multi, Poetry, School Uniforms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-12 10:34:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29134134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadpoetspages/pseuds/deadpoetspages
Summary: Keating has the boys read love poems aloud in class. The poem Todd is assigned brings out feelings he didn't know he had. But Todd isn't the only one affected...a certain aspiring actor is as well.
Relationships: Minor Chris Noel/Knox Overstreet, Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21





	1. paper and pen

It was the perfect day to read love poems. No, it wasn't Valentine's Day but it was perfect nonetheless.

Outside of the window nearest Todd Anderson's desk, the sky was painted a cool grey, painted with ribbons of pink and yellow in between the silvery tones. Mr Keating was having the students read aloud romantic poems the entire lesson. Todd had never enjoyed a class so much, and that was saying something. Starring out the window, listening to his classmates read, soaking in the words, the meaning...the love.

As Pitt's finished reading Sonnet 116 by Shakespeare, Keating shrugged off the far off look that had dominated his features and stood up from where he had been sitting in his desk.

"An love that never alters. By the Bard himself. One of his more famous poems but often overshadowed by Sonnet 18. A damn shame," Keating's eyes wrinkled at the sides as he smiled. "Mr. Overstreet, how are we holding up over there?"

Everyone turned to look at Knox, who's head was resting in his hand, his mouth open and practically drooling. There was only one thing on his mind and everyone knew what it was: Chris Noel. Keating chuckled at the slightly pathetic sight of Knox and continued. "Nowadays we have only one term for affection: love. I love my students. I love hot dogs. I love my wife. Hopefully I don't love these three things the same way." The class laughed at this. " The Greeks, wise as they were, have different types of love different names. Mr. Meeks, you little know-it-all, can you tell us the types of love the Greeks labeled? "

Steven looked up from his textbook and adjusted his glasses, " _Phila_ , affectionate love. _Storge,_ is basically friendship. _Ludus_ , playful love. _Mania_ , thats obsessive love," Chalie in the back of the classroom coughed out " Knox! " at this. Meeks continued, " _Pragma_ , ensuring love. _Philautia_ is love for one's own self. _Agape_...that is selfless love, as I recall. But, I'm sorry, Captain...I can't recall the last one."

" You wouldn't, Mr. Meeks, you wouldn't, " Keating smirked. "The one that Meeks here didn't mention by lapse of memory is _eros_... sexual love."

Total and expectant silence fell upon the classroom. Even the students least interested in Keating's classes sat up straighter. Todd felt his face heat up at the sudden tension.

"I gotcha there, didn't I?" Keating continued. " I though that might get your attention. Mr. Anderson, could you read the poem on page 154 in your book, please."

Todd felt his heart miss a beat. He looked up at Keating pleadingly. The response from Keating was determined silence, telling Todd that he wasn't going to get out of this. 

Todd swallowed and obeyed. Flipping the pages until he reached 154, his mouth began to go dry. He opened his mouth to begin reading but no words sounded. Various voices around Todd began to laugh at him. He looked up, heart now racing. 

_I can't do this. Oh my, God, don't make me read in front of them all. Jesus..._

Finally a guttural sound somewhat resembling English escaped from his parched tongue. He read out the words inked on the page syllable by syllable, not even registering the meaning of what he was reading. His voice stumbled along the verses, ashamed of his own incompetence.

"Focus on the poem," a quiet and soothing voice told him. Todd thought it might have been his own subconscious. When it spoke again, however, he realized who was actually speaking. "Let the words drop from your mouth like honey, Todd," Neil Perry, his best and first friend, whispered, paraphrasing their teachers words from the crying of the semester, before they had become the Dead Poet's Society.

Daring his own weak voice to string the sounds together, Todd kept reading. As he went on, he ceased struggling and began to hone in on what the poem was actually saying...

_Coming together_   
_it is easier to work_   
_after our bodies_   
_meet_   
_paper and pen_   
_neither care nor profit_   
_whether we write or not_   
_but as your body moves_   
_under my hands_   
_charged and waiting_   
_we cut the leash_   
_you create me against your thighs_   
_hilly with images_   
_moving through our word countries_   
_my body_   
_writes into your flesh_   
_the poem_   
_you make of me._

_Touching you I catch midnight_   
_as moon fires set in my throat_   
_I love you flesh into blossom_   
_I made you_   
_and take you made_   
_into me._

When he came to the end of the poem, beads of nervous perspiration forming on his brow, Todd looked up with his mouth agape. He stared in near shock at the amused Keating that was looking down upon him. Before Todd could stop himself, he turned his head and looked at Neil.

Neil was looking at him too.

Their eyes met.

All the blood that coloured Todd's face drained from him, leaving his face as white as the paper on his desk. He tore his gaze away from Neil and forced himself to face the front of the class once more. 

Bemusement gleaned in Keating's bright eyes knowingly. "A little too...steamy for you, Mr. Anderson?"

Fixing his eyes upon his desk, Todd said nothing.

Keating moved away from Todd to address the entire class once more. "We could debate all day about this particular poem. People already have. But I'd say debate is not what's on you body's minds right now." Nothing except the uncomfortable shifting of chairs and some uncomfortable coughing. "I thought so," Keating commented with a raise it a single eyebrow. " Go on, class is over, get out. "

There was some awkward muttering as they filed out. Todd didn't get up immediately. He usually waited a moment of two for the majority of the class to leave so he did not have to fight against the crowd. As he walked a little ways behind his fellow classmates, he heard Nuwanda, also known as Charlie Dalton, wolf-whistle. 

"Way to go, Todd!" Nuwanda cried, greatly entertained. "I think I need a long shower after that, buddy!"

Todd's face burned. Why did Keating pick him, or all people, to read that one particular poem? With the combined humiliation raging in his head and the strange aching in his midriff, he was grateful that it was the end of the school day so that he could go and hide in his and Neil's room.

Wait...it was Neil's room too. He was going to have to face Neil. Be alone with Neil.

Why was that a problem, Todd wondered. He was alone with Neil all the time. He loved being with Neil. But for some reason, he just couldn't face his best friend after reading that poem. 

Maybe he would follow after Nuwanda and take a shower. He needed one.


	2. recreation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil and Todd study together. Homework isn't the only thing that gets done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, the summary sounds slutty, but it's really not. It's very sweet and just a tiny bit sexy.

Newly refreshed from his shower and having mercifully changed out of his school uniform into a comfy sweater and slacks, Todd felt ready to face the world again. Well...at least more ready than before. He was never _actually_ fully prepared for _any_ kind of social interaction. On the way out of the bathroon, he met Stick, who gave him a pat on the back and chuckled, "Nice poem, Anderson."

Anne with that one comment, any amount of resolve to reenter Welton society faded from Todd. Now, all be wanted to do was curl up in a shadowy corner, preferably with a good book, and eventually decay into nonexistence. But, as it so often is, he couldn't presently do so for one reason: homework.

Editing the shower room, Todd walker down the hall towards his dorm, shaking his head to dislodge any droplets of water from his hair. Halfway there, he met the one person he felt he should avoid.

"Todd!" Neil's smile made Todd's stomach do a few cartwheels. " I was about to go looking for you. Where have you been? "

"Uh..." Todd stumbled. " I just took a shower. "

Neil nodded in acknowledgement, continuing, "Well, they guys were wanting to do a study group tonight in the rec room, are you up for it?"

Rubbing his brow, Todd thought it over. "I think I'll sit this one out."

This seemed to be exactly what Neil had wanted to hear. His smile grew wider and he spoke before Todd said anything else. "I'm not going either. Do want to study together? You knkw, just me and you?"

" Oh, I... " Todd trailed off and blinked several times. He hadn't expected this offer.

"Its fine if you don't want to," Neil's smile faltered and he rubbed the back of his neck. " I just didn't want to put up with Cameron, and Nuwanda's been really loud lately, so...um, I just thought it might be fun, but... " He smirked and looked up hopefully at Todd.

Though having been hesitant at the thought of being alone with Todd before, Todd couldn't think of why. Neil was his best friend. Why would he ever avoid him? He mentally shook himself. What the he'll was he thing, avoiding Neil?! His mind imagined the two of them working on homework together, hunched low over his stupid monogrammed desk set (the one he didn't throw off a bridge), Neil muttering math instructions in his ear...where else in the entire world would be want to be?

"Yes," Todd answered, almost breathless , still picturing the image in his mind. "Yeah."

Neil's eyebrows shot up and he repeated. "Yes? Yeah? Yes! Great. Look, I've gotta get to Chemistry Club but I'll see you afterwards, okay?"

Todd nodded.

"Great...thats great," Neil gave Todd one last smile. Then, he departed.

After Chemistry Club, Neil came back to the form to find Todd already working on homework. Coming in and pulling off his jacket, Neil asked, "How was Service Club?" 

"The usual, " Todd shrugged. "I still wish I had been assigned rowing instead."

" But then you might not have been in soccer with me! "

"That's true," Todd laughed half heartedly. "God forbid I disappoint the 'Gret Neil Perry' by depriving him of my nonexistent goal keeping skills."

Neil knew that Todd was only kidding but he clinched nonetheless. "Don't say that."

Todd looked up from his books. " Don't say what? "

"The 'Great Neil Perry,'" Neil did a mock infection of Todd. 

"But you are pretty great-"

"No, I m not!" 

Neil threw his jacket onto his bed and stood in the middle of the room, not looking at Todd.

Todd's eyes were wide, "...sorry."

Neil shook his head. "It's fine, you were just being nice...how far have you gotten?" He gestured to Todd's extensive pile of books.

it took a moment for Todd to respond. He shuffled through several papers aimlessly and coughed. Neil, knowing he had made his friend uncomfortable attempted to make ammends. 

"Sorry if I blew up, buddy," Neil said delicatly, sitting on the edge of Todd's bedframe, across from where the other big day at the desk. "I just-"

"I know," Todd looked up at him with a nervous half-smile. " Its okay. "

Nailed smiled softly back. He knew Todd would understand. Neil considered himself an...okay person. At least, he tried to be an okay person even though he knew that he was pretty screwed up inside. But when all the adults around him blinded themselves, not accepting his flaws, and always calling him "great", "talented", and "made for great things," it made him sick. No one ever asked him if he _wanted_ to be great.

And then there was Todd. None of their teachers or parents, save Mr. Keating, spared him a second glance. No one ever called him great despite the fact that, to Neil, he was the one person who really deserved that label. Sure, Todd didn't get the best grades or bad the most confident voice and wasn't extraordinary by Dean Nolan's standards. But where it really counted, in friendship, love, kindness, and integrity...Todd was truly great.

There were so many layers to this, Neil didn't know how to express these sentiments to his friend. But he didn't have to. Todd already knew what was in his head.

"I'm just finishing up Maths," Todd said, discontinuing any former tension. " I thought maybe you could look over my equations? "

Neil nodded, smiling.

Relief washed over Todd's face. "Thanks! Could you make sure I did all the radical equations right? There are so many steps and I get so confused..."

" Yeah, no problem, " Neil's reached over to retrieve one of Todd's worksheets. But he did this at the same moment that Todd did the same; their hands met.

Both boys retracted their hands faster than you could say "Walt Whitman."

Todd smiled, embarrassed , and reached out for the paper once more. He took hold of it and handed it shyly to Neil. Neil took the paper, have it a quick glance, and looked back up.

He swallowed. "Todd..."

" Hm? "

Neil searched Todd's face for any signs of encouragement. Instead of sultry staffing or enticing smiles, however, Todd only have Neil a blank stare and an agape mouth.

"...nevermind..." Neil cast his eyes back onto the math paper.

He had been so sure back in Keating's class that Todd had felt the same way about him that he felt about Todd. Now, all of that certainty had vanished. In its place was only increased yearning to be closer and closer to Todd.

Neil did his best to keep his eyes on the equations he was supposed to be checking. he corrected several miscalculations and then congratulated his classmate on a job well done. Todd practically beamed at this. As the evening went on, they moved onto History, taking turns quizzing each other on Neoclassical reforms. After that came Latin, then, finally, English.

as they toiled over their personal analysis of their favorite Andrew Marvel poems (Neil had chosen "Last Instructions to a Painter" while Todd preferred "Bermudas"), Neil became aware of a certain poem going through his mind on repeat.

He looked over at Todd and asked, "Have you ever gotten a poem stuck in your head?"

" Sure, " Todd continued writing. "All the time, um, here...'Then I saw the Congo creeping through the black / Cutting through the forest with a golden track."

This made Neil laugh. He recalled the first Dead Poet's Society meeting were they had danced magically to the starchy rhythm of this particular poem.

"So," Todd asked, scratching out something he had written in frustration, "what poem is stuck in your head?"

Neil bit his lip, " The one you read in class today. "

The pen Todd held froze midsentence. "Oh."

"Oh? "

"Oh."

"You didn't like it? "

"Its not that I, um, didn't like it...but, um, it's just... "

Neil waited patiently for Todd's next words to form. If you were a friend of Todd Anderson, you had to be willing to wait a while.

"Just..." Todd stammered, eyes shifting. "It's about...you know..."

" Sex? " Neil offered.

"...yeah, that." Todd affirmed, face turning red.

A few seconds of silence passed with Neil looking at the side profile of Todd's pudding bowl haircut and Todd starring at a hole he had accidentally made by holding his own to forcefully into the paper.

Neil broke the silence. "Can I ask...do you have a problem with the poem's, er, topic?"

Todd scratched his head and thought the question over, contemplating his response. "It's not that...I suppose I just...just can't...relate." He glanced up, embarrassed.

It had occurred to Neil previously that this might be the case. It wasn't a big deal that Todd was a virgin. Neil was sure most the boys at Welton were. In fact, Neil envied that. His own father had always enforced the idea that being a virgin wasn't "manly." He had encouraged Neil to loose his virginity as soon as possible.

Judging by the extremely limited number of time Neil has sex, he could testify that it was pleasurable enough.But in the end t was the sex that mattered. It was the person you were sharing it with.

While Todd looked abashed, Neil but back a frown. "You know there's nothing wrong with that, right?"

" Yeah, sure, " Todd answered, self-disdain drilling from his tone.

"Hey," Neil said indignantly . "There _is_ nothing wrong with that. At least _you_ have the opportunity to not waste it."

Todd's bros creased. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Now it was Neil's turn to shift awkwardly. "You know...doing it with someone you love as opposed to someone you'll never see again."

Eyebrows knitting together, Todd considered Neil. Neil wished he could read Todd's mind. 

"What ya' thinking?" He asked.

Todd looked up. " I...never thought of it that way. Yeah...I think you're right." He looked Neil directly in the eyes. "I suppose I would want to do it with someone I loved."

Neil smiled . Todd swallowed and added a few more swords to his essay.

"Have you ever?" Neil's voice was hesitant . "Been in love, I mean."

A shadow appeared across Todd's face. He fidgeted with his pen. "Well, I, er, don't exactly know. I'm not sure yet."

Neil forced a carefree laugh but he held onto Todd's every word. " What's that mean? "

Abruptly, Todd dropped his pen and turn to face Neil. "Look...I-I, I think I love someone or...maybe I'm on the verge of loving someone." Neil nodded to show he was listening. Todd continued with furvur. "I just don't know if I can be in love-or if I even should be. They are so out of my league and I think if I let myself love them, I'll be in total agony for...forever! Like, you know my parents? I loved them for so long before I actually figured out they didn't give a shit about me. It was so obvious too! They knew, Jeffrey knew, everyone knew, but I was the only one stupid enough to pretend they had ever cared about me."

Neil wanted so badly to stop Todd, to comfort him, to tell him it was okay, but he restrained himself. His friend needed to get this out.

After a pause for breath, Todd continued. "If I let myself think they could ever love me back, I'll just be fooling myself. And then there is this whole 'Carle Diem' thing. I really do want to seize the day and make the most of what I'm feeling but I know it will all lead to disaster! Like Knox blew it with Chris, or with Charlie and his phone call from God...only could end up worse! If I let myself love him, he could just reject me, he could tell Nolan, I could be expelled or even worse-" Todd froze, his eyes widening, realizing what he had just said, "I-I mean...n-not 'him,' I just...I... "

"Todd..." Neil started delicatly, hoping against hope, " ...you're in love with a boy?"

Todd's gaze devices to meet Neil's own. Those two bright eyes Neil had come to love so much filled with tears.

"Neil," he muttered, terrified. "Please, please, don't tell anyone. I promise, I've tried to fix it, but-but-"

"Its okay," Neil got up from the bed and kneeled on the floor, moving closer to Todd. "I'm not going tell anyone. There is _nothing_ wrong with you. Nothing wrong at all."

Todd shook his head, bot trails of tears pouring down his cheeks. "You don't understand -"

" Yes, I do!" Neil said in earnest. "Because I'm I love with a boy too."

The tears almost immediately began to subside. "Wh-what? Really? You, Neil? "

"Yeah...don't tell anybody." Neil smirked.

Todd used his sleeve to wipe away the tears, still starring at Neil.

"So you see," Neil said, pulling out a handkerchief and helping to wipe away Todd's tears. "If there is something wrong with you then there is something horribly and irreversibly screwed up with me. Because I've got it had for this boy. " He cocked his head to one side. "You don't think I'm horribly and irreversibly screwed up, do you, Todd?"

" Of course, not, " Todd replied without a second thought.

"Well, there you go then," Neil smiled. He looked at Todd and recognise hints of terror still hidden there. "Its okay to be scared Todd. The world isn't kind to people like us. Just don't let your teardrop you from living...and loving. Carpe Diem. "

They both starred at one another, faces close. Todd didn't realize how far he had leaned forward while Neil had been speaking. Theit faces were only inches apart.

"Todd," Neil asked, his voice unsteady despite his attempts to gather all the courage he could go say what he wanted to say.

" Yes? "

The words that came out of Neil's mouth were new and unknown to his tongue but so very familiar to his heart. "I love you."

Todd took in a breath, his head spinning. "I...I love you too."

The biggest and most genuine smile broke out in Neil Perry's face. He reached out and stroked Todd's cheek, still wet to touch. He began to whisper to Todd, slowly coming nearer.

_"You -- you --_  
_Your shadow is sunlight on a plate of silver;_  
_Your footsteps, the seeding-place of lilies;_  
_Your hands moving, a chime of bells across a windless air."_

Todd's hand reached out to grasp the male or Neil's neck. He managed a shivering, "Neil..." before he allowed Neil to close the distance b  
  
The movement of your hands is the long, golden running of light from a rising sun; 

_"I drink your lips,_  
_My mouth is open,"I_

Neil continue to quote the poem. Between every kiss, when he touched Todd's face, as Todd reached out to loosen Neil's tie in desperation, he continued reciting:

_"I dare to reach to you,  
I dare to touch the rim of your brightness.  
I leap beyond the winds,  
I cry and shout,  
For my throat is keen as is a sword  
Sharpened on a hone of ivory.  
My throat sings the joy of my eyes,  
The rushing gladness of my love."_

Neil's hands slid beneath Todd's oversized sweater, rubbing the skin beneath it and bathing in the thought of touching Todd. Todd trailed butterfly kisses down his jaw and into his neck. Neil began to fit Todd's sweater upwards.

_"How has the rainbow fallen upon my heart?_  
_How have I snared the seas to lie in my fingers_  
_And caught the sky to be a cover for my head? How have you come to dwell with me,_  
_Compassing me with the four circles of your mystic lightness,_  
_So that I say "Glory! Glory!" and bow before you_  
_As to a shrine? "_

Both of their shirts properly removed, Todd shivered against Neil. Neil wrapped his arms around him and held him close. He felt a tear call into his chest and he looked down at Todd, concerned. 

"You okay, Todd? If you don't want to-"

"N-no! I do...I'm just, " he looked up and smiled like Neil had never seen him smile before. "I'm so happy. Could you...finish the poem?"

Neil nodded, pressing a kiss onto Todd's lips. 

_"So you - air - earth - heaven -  
I do not thank you,  
I take you,  
I live.  
And those things which I say in consequence  
Are rubies mortised in a gate of stone. "_

Stumbling, the two boys fell into Todd's bed. Neil was careful to make sure Todd landed softly beneath him. 

Cdarling Todd's face in his hands, Neil chuckled. "I think that essay will have to wait."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I planned on posting this chapter yesterday but guess what? I write my first drafts on paper because I'm old fashioned I guess, and I write everywhere. And I mean everywhere. Including the bath. And that's where I was when I wrote Neil and Todd's confession. And just when I was about to write their first kiss....BOOM. All 3 fucking pages I had been fucking working on goes into the water. I don't even know fucking how!I
> 
> Does anyone love Ethan Hawks as much as me? If you haven't seen him in Great Expectations, Hamlet, Juliet Naked, Reality Bites, Tesla, White Fang, and Maudie......then wtf have you been doing with your life?I
> 
> Also, do you think Todd is bisexual, pansexual, homosexual, or demisexual? I've heard lots of different opinions and would like to know yours.
> 
> P.S. The poem Neil recites to Todd is "In Exclesis" by Amy Lowell


End file.
